Laying Beeloved on the altar

Dearly Beeloveds,

Lockdown was a good place to do some soul searching. I am sure that this has not only been the case for us. Beeloved, as many other businesses and ministries, came to a screeching halt with the rest of the world. I needed to ask myself some uncomfortable questions that needed to be answered.  

Was Beeloved simply a seasonal thing? If God has called and ordained it, why has it been such a battle?  Why so much hard work and such a terribly expensive journey with such little returns?  Why all the effort, time, and heart that goes into Beeloved, when there are seemingly so little fruit?

Realizing that I simply did not have the means, the strength or desire to keep going, I laid Beeloved on the altar before the Lord.  All the dreams and plans, all the ideas and all the passion that I seemed to have lost, all the mistakes, all the hurts, all things that worked out so very differently than I had hoped for.  

I found myself in a place of dying too.  Although everything seemed (and really was!) more than fine on the outside,  I found myself hurting, burnt-out and empty inside-  questioning my worth, my purpose, and my destiny.

I remembered the words of a wise friend who has also received a vision from the Lord for something that is way too big for them as a family to accomplish on their own.  

“Now the vision has to die first.”

This is the way that all things born of God goes. Even Jesus, who was perfect in every way, had to face death before He was resurrected to sit at the right hand of His Father.

The gentle reminder came, and I understood:

Every time you plant seed, you sow something that does not come to life [germinating, springing up, and growing] unless it dies first. 1 Corinthians 15:36

And so I allowed the seed to die. 

I am well aware that all the seeds that I have planted in our garden do not necessarily germinate and go on to produce flowers or fruit. Many seeds simply…

DIE. 

I allowed myself to mourn the disappointments and misunderstandings, the failures and losses and heartaches of the last season.  Mourning who I was before, the beauty and the wonder of each miracle that has carried us to where we are today, the intensity of emotions and battles, the sheer enormity of the season that has passed.  The very sore reality of family, heart people, connections, and physical and spiritual things so very dear to us left behind, lost and stolen in the process. 

Being real is not often glamorous. Being strong is celebrated, being weak and needy is not.

The process has taught me so much about grace.  

True grace is not an excuse for sin.  Grace is not cheap.  Grace is what equips us and stretches us enough to rise above ourselves, above our flesh, above the tests and challenges that come our way. To become able, to be enlarged in the process… but not broken by it.

But we have this precious treasure [the good news about salvation] in [unworthy] earthen vessels [of human frailty], so that the grandeur and surpassing greatness of the power will be [shown to be] from God [His sufficiency] and not from ourselves. We are pressured in every way [hedged in], but not crushed; perplexed [unsure of finding a way out], but not driven to despair; always carrying around in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be shown in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:7‭-‬8‭, ‬10

The longer I have journeyed with God, the more I have become aware of my need for Him. And truly, the more I am becoming aware of His pure and perfect love for us. 

I know that complete healing and restoration is a process and that we will all be works in progress as long as we still live in this imperfect world.

And even though it was time to lay down the old, my Beloved has confirmed in His gentle but very straightforward way:

We are still His Beloved.  We are still worthy.

The seed will go on to bear fruit.

And He still wants us as a family to continue with the ministry of Beeloved!